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A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a TEXT: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

The South Leads the Way

Even if you aren’t Georgia crackers, you can enjoy a chuckle, too.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, a local newspaper in Atlanta, Georgia reported the following:
“After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Marietta, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Georgia had already gone wireless”.

Just makes a person proud to be Georgian.

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found

over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there

was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird

Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to

everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT

Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying

colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By

analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the

crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were

killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if

there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck

kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a

nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one

could shout “Truck.”

Absolutely amazing!

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
——————————————————————–
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Mean Drunk

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

Drunk and stupid, or just drunk?

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
“Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly….it’s all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”

Alabama Hunters

Two Alabama hunters flew to Alaska on a deer hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week long hunt.

They managed to bag 6 deer. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.

The two guys objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same type plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Bubba and Leroy survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Leroy, “Any idea where we are?”

Leroy replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,”she said.
“What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never
exercise.”

“That’s amazing,”the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six,” he said.

Spending your money

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

The Russians used a pencil.

What to spend money on

A married couple was shopping at the supermarket when the husband picked up a 12 pack of beer and put it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“They’re on sale for $10 for 12 cans,” he explained.
“Put them back,” she demanded. “We can’t afford it.”
A few aisles later, she picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the husband indignantly.
“It’s my face cream,” she said. “It makes me look beautiful.”
He said: “So do 12 cans of beer and they’re half the price!”

My Toothbrush?

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
“What’s the matter?” asked his father.
“I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet.”
“Okay, don’t worry, but we’d better throw it out”
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
“Isn’t that my toothbrush?” the father said.
“Yes,” said the boy, “and we’d better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago.”

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS…

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden
in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living
room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there
was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the
behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed
and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded
him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and
the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of
the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is
still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking
under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman,
who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted,
the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the
snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

(Breathe here…)

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square
city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

…and that’s when he shot her. So, be very careful of those little green
snakes…they are not so harmless!

The awesome power of a wife’s love…

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the
stairs.He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.

A DC ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of ‘WHY’ our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts …”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .”
His response — click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map…” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that…

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. Senator John Kerry’s aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Di ann e Feinstein called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in!!!

Going for a walk

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
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Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.
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