Category Archives: Fishing Jokes and More Jokes

Should My Taxes Pay For Those Trying To Win The Darwin Award?

This Week’s Lead Candidate for the Darwin Award

By Frank Sargeant, Editor
from The Fishing Wire

You just know this is going to end badly

You just know this is going to end badly

My personal candidate for this week’s Darwin Award, given to those who are kind enough to attempt removing themselves from the gene pool to avoid transmitting their aberrations to offspring, goes to Iranian-born U.S. citizen Reza Baluchi, who tried to “walk” to Bermuda from South Florida in what looked very much like an oversized vinyl beach ball, in an attempt to “spread a message of world unity.”

He made it all of 70 miles offshore of St. Augustine before requiring rescue.

The Coast Guard located him early in his mission, but after he refused to leave his device, the watchstanders monitored his movements until he activated a locator beacon Saturday morning due to fatigue. Coast Guard aircraft out of Clearwater began searching for him.

According to the Coast Guard news service, an aircrew arrived on scene and safely “hoisted Baluchi from his inflatable raft and transported him to Air Station Clearwater where emergency medical services evaluated him.”

Baluchi seems like the sort who might believe he actually could walk on water, but we must point out that the distance from St. Augustine to Bermuda is approximately 990 miles, and he appeared to be making about 1 to 2 mph per hour in his beach ball on the way to making the Arabs love the Israeli’s.

The trip would have taken him 20 to 40 days, if he was able to hold up day and night, which of course he could not have. His supplies were primarily several cans of Red Bull, water and some protein bars, from what we can ascertain.

So we have to conclude either that Baluchi is wacky, or that he knew from the get go he was going to have to be rescued by the U.S. Coast Guard at the expense of American taxpayers, and with the cameras rolling.

How much might it cost for his rescue? The Coast Guard is not saying, but it used an HC-130 airplane, which costs about $20,000 per operational hour, to locate him, and an MH-60 helicopter, which operates at an economical $14,000 per hour, to rescue him.

You can be sure he would not have tried this stunt off the coast of his native Iran or anywhere else outside the western world and put his faith in the local water patrol, but in our waters, he knew that he was reasonably safe after publicizing the event in advance, thanks to the remarkable capabilities of our life saving services.

This sort of incredibly stupid stuff is becoming epidemic with the wide-spread and immediate publicity available to publicity hounds of all flavors via YouTube, Facebook and other social media outlets, and it is starting to become a real issue in terms of taking away time and money from legitimate search and rescue efforts

It would seem reasonable to require all such stunts to be registered with the Coast Guard, and to require that a bond be posted if rescue is expected. That way, those who actually do want to take a serious run at whatever challenge they can dream up will still have the complete freedom to do so, but at their own risk–no bond, no rescue.

Otherwise, the publicity that Baluchi and others like him get, even when they fail, will continue to inspire more with a very limited understanding of what they are getting into to make these attempts–at our expense.

Political Jokes

These political jokes are funny, I don’t care who you are or who you support. Of course the names can be changed on any of them to your suiting!

The best description of Obamacare so far:

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”

A physician called into a radio show and said:
“That’s the definition of a stool sample”.

A lesson in irony:

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be

distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S.Department of the Interior,

asks us “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.”

Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent

on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today’s lesson.

This email gently explains the difference in thinking between people with opposite outlooks.

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.

Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she wasdoing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”

She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked mytail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to theconservative side of the fence.”

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest ofus pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have agood laugh. A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended.”

Well, I forwarded it to you!

Woman Shot in her own Driveway

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behindthe back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked herif she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the backof the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.

Linda is a blond, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008,so it was determined to be Bush’s fault.

So far, published Obamacare regs 8 times longer than the Bible. And they all add up to one commandment: “Thou better not get sick”. Fred Thompson


My Gun

Today I swung my front door wide open and placed my Remington 870 shotgun right in the doorway. I gave it 6 shells, then left it alone and went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor boy across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the street, and quite a few cars stopped at the stop sign right in front of our house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was still sitting there, right where I had left it. It hadn’t moved itself outside. It certainly hadn’t killed anyone, even with the numerous opportunities it had been presented to do so. In fact, it hadn’t even loaded itself.

Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the media hype about how dangerous guns are and how they kill people. Either the media is wrong, and it’s the misuse of guns by PEOPLE that kills people, or I’m in possession of the laziest gun in the world.

Alright, well I’m off to check on my spoons.
I hear they’re making people fat.

JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”

“I don’t want to talk to you, the old woman says.”You are not my son!”

“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,………

“I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!

Preacher’s Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was
getting high time the boy gave some thought to choosing a
profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t
really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too
concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room
and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible,

2. A silver dollar,

3. A bottle of whiskey,

4. And a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to
himself, “and when he comes home from school, I’ll see which
object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a
preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he
picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and
that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s
going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame
that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine, he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son’s
footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for
his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he
turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the
table. He walked over to inspect them, looking at each for
several minutes. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed
it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped
into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink, while he admired this month’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy!” the old preacher prayed. “He’s going into
politics!!”

Detroit (that is a joke in one word!)

Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000
rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked
Latino prostitutes — all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:
“We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library.”

Hospital Waiting Room

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family
member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the
only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for
the BRAIN.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,
someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?
The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $500 for a
Republican’s brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to ‘try’ to
not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to
control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the Democrat’s brain so much more than a Republican’s brain?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the
Republicans brains a lot lower because they’ve been USED.”

Fishing Jokes and Many More Jokes

Send me your fishing jokes and all kinds of jokes to post here.

Send me your

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a TEXT: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

The South Leads the Way

Even if you aren’t Georgia crackers, you can enjoy a chuckle, too.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years.
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside.
Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: “California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”

One week later, a local newspaper in Atlanta, Georgia reported the following:
“After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Marietta, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Georgia had already gone wireless”.

Just makes a person proud to be Georgian.

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found

over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there

was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird

Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to

everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT

Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying

colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By

analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the

crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were

killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if

there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck

kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:

when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a

nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one

could shout “Truck.”

Absolutely amazing!

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
——————————————————————–
I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


Mean Drunk

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

Drunk and stupid, or just drunk?

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: “You were drunk again last night!!!”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied:
“Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly….it’s all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”

Alabama Hunters

Two Alabama hunters flew to Alaska on a deer hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the bush for a week long hunt.

They managed to bag 6 deer. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.

The two guys objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same type plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Bubba and Leroy survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Bubba asked Leroy, “Any idea where we are?”

Leroy replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on
his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,”she said.
“What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also
drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never
exercise.”

“That’s amazing,”the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six,” he said.

Spending your money

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

The Russians used a pencil.

What to spend money on

A married couple was shopping at the supermarket when the husband picked up a 12 pack of beer and put it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.
“They’re on sale for $10 for 12 cans,” he explained.
“Put them back,” she demanded. “We can’t afford it.”
A few aisles later, she picked up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the husband indignantly.
“It’s my face cream,” she said. “It makes me look beautiful.”
He said: “So do 12 cans of beer and they’re half the price!”

My Toothbrush?

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
“What’s the matter?” asked his father.
“I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet.”
“Okay, don’t worry, but we’d better throw it out”
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
“Isn’t that my toothbrush?” the father said.
“Yes,” said the boy, “and we’d better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago.”

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS…

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.
During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden
in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living
room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there
was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the
behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed
and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up,
told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded
him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and
the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of
the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is
still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.
He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking
under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman,
who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted,
the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR
to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the
snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of
whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

(Breathe here…)

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when
the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of
the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit
the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they
were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead
wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square
city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was
right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

…and that’s when he shot her. So, be very careful of those little green
snakes…they are not so harmless!

The awesome power of a wife’s love…

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the
stairs.He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.

A DC ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of ‘WHY’ our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts …”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .”
His response — click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!” (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from Canada ?”
I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map…” (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that…

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
He replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. Senator John Kerry’s aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. Senator Di ann e Feinstein called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. Mary Landrieu , La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?”
The reply? ”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it’s in!!!

Going for a walk

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Brings a tear to your eye doesn’t it? This kind of sensitivity just can’t be taught.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’
‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
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Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
‘I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.
‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.
‘Oops!’
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.
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